A work of Fiction

This is a story that TJ wrote. All characters depicted in this story are purely ficticious and any resemblance to anyone alive or dead is purely coincidental.

Ok, so I promised a story. Here goes nothing:

Once upon a time in a castle far, far away, there lived a beautiful princess named, Miley. Miley had a great life. She hung out with little people, scrubbed floors for her evil step-sisters, lounged around in the castle with a tiger, helped her aging father run a book store, and all the other crap that Disney has forced on us as "princess activities" for years. Anyway, Miley had a great life, but something was missing. Miley was alone and had not found her prince charming. Yeah, I know! You would think with all the crap she was busy with, she wouldn't be so lonely. But alas, Miley was saddened by her loneliness. Everyday she'd think, "When, oh when will a handsome prince come to my castle and save me from all this loneliness???". And every day Miley's step-mother would yell, "Shut the hell up and get out of the bathroom!" So, minutes turned into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, months into years, years into decades, decades into meaningless anniversaries, meaningless anniversaries into unnecessary divorces...wait, what story are we in? Oh right! Days turned into weeks, weeks to months, and months to years, and Miley still remained loveless in the castle. Until one day, while trippin' balls and "frolicking" in the meadow with talking animals, a handsome prince galloped into the meadow close to Miley. Miley was struck by his, shall we say, "glory". The Prince was tall, rugged, strong, but with boyish good looks. (Seriously, I'm not into guys, so describing a beautiful dude is kinda tough for me.) Let's just say he was everything that Miley could have ever hoped for or wanted. He was, of course, Prince Otto from the land of St. Hoogeville. Prince Otto was, quite possibly, the greatest man anyone had ever known. Really, who doesn't like Prince Otto once they meet him? Prince Otto's exploits were known around the world. He was the slayer of the Bottle-Nose Sloth Dragon. He had survived an attack from the Salad Bar Monkies, and had tamed the Great Grill Troll single-handed. Miley had heard the legends, but never believed that she would one day meet the great Prince Otto. As the wind blew threw his flowing locks of curly, blonde hair, he looked at Miley and winked, and smiled. He then said, "Hey babe. Whatcha doin'?" It was love at first sight...and that's that. I'm not going into any mushy stuff. It's bad enough that this story has made it to this point. Now fully in love, Princess Miley and Prince Otto mounted Otto's trusty steed, Duke, and road off toward the Castle. They were going to be nice and at least let the step-mother and sisters, the aging father, the height-challenged gentlemen, and the tiger, know that they were going to ride off together and live happily ever after. It's just common courtesy. Anyway, when they got to the castle they found only the evil wizard, Trang. Trang was fiercely opposed to the rights of height-challenged gentlemen, and he hated Princess Miley for associating with them. As Miley and Otto approached, Trang said, "Because you have spent time with these little people in pointy hats, I will punish you...for some reason." He then waved his wand and summoned the most fearsome creature in all the land: Sampson the Yelping Destroyer! Sampson was 300 feet tall and, let's face it, a real dickhead. He yelped and snapped his powerful, grotesque jaws at Prince Otto and Princess Miley. To make him even more angry, Trang blew massive amounts of wind into Sampson the Yelping Destroyer's face. This angered Sampson the Yelping Destroyer and he hunkered down and prepared to pounce on Otto and Miley. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You will perish at the paws of Sampson!", said Trang. Miley and Otto knew that the only way they could ever be together was to turn around and run away as fast they could. But for some reason, they decided to stick around and fight Sampson the Yelping Destroyer. Prince Otto tried fighting Sampson first. He unfurled his might sword, stepped confidently toward Sampson and then jabbed at his soft under-belly. Otto forgot that Sampson was 300 feet tall and completely wiffed with his sword. Sampson swooped his might jaws down and ate Otto in one gulp. This stunned Princess Miley. She didn't know what to do. The love of her life had just been eaten by a creature that was strangely, and overwhelmingly cute to her. She couldn't possibly kill Sampson, he was just too damn cute! Duke, being ever diligent, realized that Miley had just been stupified by Sampson's Cuteness Charm. This jolted Duke into action! Duke sprank to his feet (he was tired and lying down), charged at Sampson and jumped like he had never jumped before! This, unfortunately, did not work out well for the trusty steed Duke. Sampson knocked Duke down and then proceeded to violate him from behind. Duke, although being noble and gallant, was very lazy when it came to getting away from Sampson's violation. Duke struggled for a while, but then finally gave up. This meant that over-coming Sampson the Yelping Destroyer, and at the same time getting back the love of her life, was solely on Princess Miley's shoulders. Princess Miley knew that there was no way she could defeat a 300 foot tall monster. She had to figure out another way. That's when she finally realized what needed to be done! Princess Miley calmly walked over to Trang and kicked him square in the nuts. This instantly made Sampson the Yelping Destroyer spit out Otto and then Sampson disappeared. Miley did not realize that the fight was over, so she kicked Trang square in the jingle bells 40 more times. "How did you ever figure out Sampson's weakness???", moaned Trang. "Weakness? I just wanted to kick you in the plumbs for being such an ass to me and my boyfriend!" At that moment Miley realized that she had defeated Sampson the Yelping Destroyer and had saved Prince Otto. Also, Duke had come back after running away like a crying little pussy. So as the sun set in the distance, Prince Otto and Princess Miley rode away toward a new life of happiness and love. They kept saying something about July 16, but I couldn't really hear them over Trang moaning about his aching crotch.

The End